February 9, 2006

• Mystery Coworker 3000

  I’ve learned a lot from my coworkers recently. In the spirit of inappropriate sharing that blogging seems to bring upon us all, I thought I’d share what I’d learned:

  Lesson #1: I Am A Mad Man
  
  I had a bad day today, so I was kvetching to my coworker…

  Bob: i feel like crying
  Bob: except i’m incapable of true emotions
  Mystery Coworker #1: maybe you can do your angry dance?
  Bob: what’s that?
  Mystery Coworker #1: that’s when you start swearing and spazzing out like a mad man

  Amazingly, this comment didn’t make me do my angry dance – I just laughed. Thankfully, laughter isn’t a true emotion…

  Lesson #2: I Like Chili Duck

  I was looking through an IM archive recently, trying to find something for work. Anyway, as I scanned my Trillian archive, I notticed that reading these IMs with Mystery CoWorker #2 (henceforth MCW2) kind of tells a story…

  It’s a story about my relationship with the Chili Duck special at Pam’s Restaurant. Yes, it’s a weird topic to be a story, but I’m blogging about this anyway and you can’t stop me.

  [Monday, September 26, 2005 12:26PM]
  MCW2: we’re ordring from Pam
  Bob: ah, sorry, already ate
  Bob: what’s Pam
  MCW2: thai food
  Bob:  oh ok

  [Wednesday, December 21, 2005 07:26PM]
  Bob: hungry?
  MCW2: we’re gonna order pams tonight
  MCW2: u want chili duck?
  MCW2: otherwise we wont have any until 2006!
  Bob: pams is the chili duck place?
  MCW2: yea
  Bob: yeah, me want

  [Tuesday, January 03, 2006 05:12PM]
  MCW2: chili duck?
  Bob: already? isn’t it early?
  MCW2:  yea, but I only had breakfast today
  Bob: ok, i’ll do it
  
  [Tuesday, January 10, 2006 07:00PM]
  MCW2: u want chili duck?
  Bob: yes please

  [ Monday January 23, 2006 03:52PM]
  MCW2: hey bob, would u have some time later to go over some stuff?
  Bob: maybe later, after the meeting?
  MCW2: ok, we can talk about it later, during chili duck

  I like that last one the best, as MCW2 just assumes that he has firmly established my new addiction to chili duck. Curse you, MCW2!

  Lesson #3: Showering Is Attractive
  
  Everyone
  at Xanga HQ has recently started getting a LOT of spam. After you
  delete the same spam a billion times, you involuntarily memorize it.
  Anyway, this got me wondering about some of the amazing claims that
  these products make.

  One of my coworkers (Mystery Coworker #3, henceforth MCW3) is a reformed pre-med student, so I asked him for his expert opinion.

  Bob: dude, i have an urgent question
  MCW3: sure
  Bob: do human beings really respond to pheromones?
  MCW3: nope
  MCW3: they’ve become obsolete
  MCW3: mostly due to behavioral changes
  Bob: so what you’re saying is…
  Bob: Ultra Allure Pheromones don’t work
  MCW3: hahaha
  MCW3: well, not the pheromone itself no
  MCW3: but researchers have studied showering, wearing deodorant, dressing up, cleaning your clothes…
  MCW3: i think socially they’re now being considered pheromones
  MCW3: i’m only speaking in terms of attracting the opposite sex
  Bob: ah ok, that kind of makes sense, theoretically anyway
  Bob: btw, d1d you know th@t statistics say that sex makes you look 12 ye@r$ y0unger?
  MCW3: no thanks, i don’t want SpermaMax

  In a shocking twist to this spam saga, I have to say that I am now eager to get spams about Ultra Allure Pheromones and SpermaMax. They are so funny! I’d also really like to meet the tortured Romanian writer who writes these little poetic homages to attracting women using sweat and herbs… If anybody knows him, please introduce me!

  • 10:58 pm
  • 5 Comments