Dear Left Ear,

Why have you betrayed me? I take good care of you, but ever since that bath five years ago, you keep on getting infected. I admit that this last time, you had me fooled. I didn’t understand why the left lymph node in my neck had swollen. You hid behind the pain of that swollen node, and I didn’t even realize that you were infected…

I could only sleep by taking the two remaining codeines I had from when I got my right wisdom teeth out. And now those codeines are gone! I even thought my left wisdom teeth might be infected, you wily trickster. But now I know that it was you all along.

I can’t believe you have betrayed me so. I have followed all the rules: I take showers and buy Q-tips in bulk. And yet, you regularly betray me with these ear infections.

And so, I have an ultimatum. I’m not a man to make threats, but if you don’t want to be van Gogh’ed, you better get healthy in the next day or three.

Sincerely,
The Rest of My Body