I hate to break it to you, but if you use “LOL”, you are probably an idiot. It’s possible you are using LOL ironically, and you are oh-so-witty, but let’s face it, the odds favor the idiocy theory.

In fact, I recently realized that I categorize people into LOL stereotypes based on how they express laughter or amusement online:

• Haha – This is what I use, because everything else is annoying. You probably choose your words carefully and try not to unduly annoy society at large as a courtesy. You may be evil, but you’re a nice evil. If I was looking to make new friends, I might even consider you. (P.S. I am not looking to make new friends.)

• Heh – I used this a few years ago, but then I realized it made me seem aloof. So now I think Heh people are either aloof, or are socially clueless and don’t understand that “heh” makes them seem aloof.

  Most people find you annoying, but they tolerate you because your personality is too bland to hate.

• hahahahahahah – Uncontrolled laughter is funny. Typing “hahahahahah” to represent uncontrolled laughter requires a lot of control, so it doesn’t work for me. I probably find you annoying.

  Maybe you just have a lot of Asian friends, but you are probably Asian. Either way, I probably don’t like you.

• ahahahahahahahaha – OK, starting an extended haha with an “a” should represent “uncontrolled laughter” better, so I should prefer it more. But that’s like saying that since I like ice cream, I would like steak better if it had ice cream on it. Actually, that sounds pretty tasty. However, the tastiness of ice cream steak doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like you.
• LOL – I pity you for your low IQ.
• ROFL - I pity you for your low IQ and the fact that you roll on the floor like a dog.
• ROFLMAO – I pity you for your low IQ, the fact that you roll on the floor like a dog, and the fact that you no longer have an ass.
• ^__^ – Any smiley with an underscore in it means you are definitely East Asian, with a 10% chance that you’ve
  watched too much Naruto and are trying hard to fit into some
  Japanophile subculture. I definitely dislike you. The more underscores
  you use in your smileys, the more likely that I actively hate you. If
  you use three underscores, e.g. ^___^, I would probably enjoy beating you with a
  bat in a dark alley, if I happened to walk by a dark alley carrying a
  bat. If you use more than three underscores in your smileys, , e.g. ^______^, I would
  build a dark alley and whittle a bat to punish you for your evil ways.

Well, we’ve learned a lot in this post. We’ve learned about the ways idiots express themselves, and we’ve learned about how I have unresolved anger issues. Haha.

What kind of idiot are you, LOL?

Memorandum
TO: All You Evil People Out There
FROM: Bob

You know who you are. You’re the people who have an auto-sig on your email that says:

please consider the
environment before printing this e-mail.

FYI, I hate you.

Your auto-sig suggests that I’m constantly printing emails, but your magic reminder will dissuade me from killing trees even as my mouse cursor hovers over the Print button. Let’s face it, I print out one email for maybe every ten thousand I receive. I’ve read about these people who print out every email to read “offline”. These people also use fax machines. Like most people under the age of 100, I am not one of those people.

Just to spite you, I’d like to print out every email you stupid people send me, but then I’d have to get up and go to the printer 50 times a day, and we all know that’s not going to happen. You dodged a bullet on that one.

Also, have you ever considered the hard drive space that your stupid auto-sig takes up? I bet miners digging metal ore to make hard drives harm the environment way more than printing an email ever could. So you’re probably hurting the environment with your emails, you spotted owl murderer.

Do I write you emails that say “please consider the fact that you are stupid before reading this e-mail”? Granted, that is probably a good idea, but somehow I’ve found the discipline to refrain. Please, return the favor and stop it already.

Regards,
Bob

P.S. please consider the
environment before printing this blog.

P.P.S. See how annoying that is?!?!?!?