January 31, 2008

  • If you had a magic key, what would it open?

    This featured question seems to have three possible answers:

    1. a chest containing a lot of money
    2. your heart
    3. ok, maybe there are only two answers

    Since it’s a magic key, it would seem like the key could open both your heart and a chest containing a lot of money. However, getting both things makes this question uninteresting… So I will just come out and say that I want money and, to the extent the magic key has control over this, I would prefer unmarked bills to gold coins.

    I could also cop-out and say that I will use the money to win your heart, but let’s be realistic here, folks. If your heart can really be opened by anybody that moseys on by with a magic key, why would I spend money on it? I mean, that’s just common sense.

    I just answered this Featured Question, you can answer it too!

December 28, 2007

December 18, 2007

January 2, 2007

  • Storm Trooper Parade

    200 storm troopers from the 501st Legion (“Vader’s Fist”) marched in this year’s Rose Bowl. The Grand Marshal was George Lucas.

    I also read that a bunch of storm troopers fainted in the heat, from all that their plastic armor and black leggings in the heat. Clearly, Vader needs to “accept some apologies” to enforce discipline.

    Also marching were the dancers from Jabba’s palace.

    So awesome.

December 23, 2006

  • Fear is the mind-killer

    So, as I sat down in the dentist’s chair before my oral surgeon removed two of my wisdom teeth, I realized I was scared. I’ve been scared before. But this was like that time I went to the doctor to get my vaccinations when I was 4, and I ran away from the guy with the needle. This is one of my earliest memories, which may explain why my fear was so visceral.

    I was able to stop my hands from shaking by relaxing them. I was able to stop by legs from shaking by concentrating on breathing through my nose. But when the oral surgeon said, “OK, there’s gonna be a lot of vibration and noise now”, my legs started shaking again.

    So, in an attempt to be a serene Bene Gesserit witch, I became reciting the Litany Against Fear:

    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.

    This worked very well for about 10 seconds. However, I only remembered the first two lines. Note to self: make sure you memorize the whole thing before you get your other two wisdom teeth out.

    Oddly, the thing that relaxed me the most was when the doctor started talking to his assistant about sports. I couldn’t even hear what they were saying, but I found it reassuring that the operation was going well enough that they could talk about other things. At least they weren’t saying things like, “We’re losing him! Get the defibrillator!”

    P.S. I’m fine now. All hail Vicodin, king of pain-killers.

December 21, 2006

  • I Will Be Less Wise Tomorrow

    My dentist is taking out two of my wisdom teeth tomorrow. This does not make me happy. On the bright side, when my mouth heals, I’ll be going back to get the other two wisdom teeth out too.

    The dentist (actually, an oral surgeon) seems pretty nonchalant about this whole process. This “it’s no big deal” attitude was actually working on me, until he started this little speech:

    Anyway, your bottom wisdom tooth is right next to the nerve that controls your jaw, so you have to sign a form that says you understand that your mouth might be paralyzed. But that nerve is far away, so don’t worry about that. Of course, if it was that far away, your own dentist would do the operation, so it’s close, but not that close, so don’t worry.

    Also, your top wisdom tooth is right next to the nerve that controls your sinuses, so that’s something to watch out for. But you should be OK.

    That reminds me, you shouldn’t blow your nose for a few days.

    Anyway, I’m lucky that my friends are all so supportive. I’ve gotten some great advice:

    • Call me right after you’re done!
    • How come you’re not getting fully sedated? You don’t mind hearing him jackhammering your mouth?
    • Don’t be such a [wuss].

    Wish me luck! Also, if you know me in real life and you get a weird call from a slurring fool tomorrow, don’t worry, that just means the Percoset is working.

October 27, 2006

  • Cyclone Hart and Vito Antuofermo

    I just read a great article about Bill Parcells, written by Michael Lewis. He talks a lot about a fight between two boxers: Cyclone Hart and Vito Antuofermo.

    I was hoping the story was written up in a book, but apparently, it’s verbal lore. Here’s an excerpt from that link.


    Cyclone Hart was a powerful puncher who fought as a middleweight out of Philadelphia about 25 years ago. He was as dangerous a one-punch knockout artist as there was in boxing, but he was at times weak mentally. One night he fought a little-known guy named Vito Antuofermo, who would later become middleweight champion. Antuofermo had little power and no physical attributes to brag about except he bled well. But he had other attributes you couldn’t see.

    The night they fought, Hart staggered Antuofermo in the first round and commenced to beat on and break his ribs. For four rounds Hart dominated, but Antuofermo kept absorbing the blows and fighting back. By the fifth round, Hart began to slow down. He was wavering. Not physically but mentally.

    Quickly after that, Vito hit him with a series of punches, and the last one was a left hand that clearly hit Hart on the shoulder but he went down in a heap. The fight was over. Vito went from dire straits to a win.

    When the fighters went back to their makeshift locker rooms, only a thin curtain was between them. Hart’s room was quiet, but on the other side he could hear Antuofermo’s cornermen talking about who would take the fighter to the hospital. Finally he heard Antuofermo say, “Every time he hit me with that left hook to the body, I was sure I was going to quit. After the second round, I thought if he hit me there again, I’d quit. I thought the same thing after the fourth round. Then he didn’t hit me no more.”

    At that moment, Hart began to weep.

    It was really soft at first, then harder. He was crying because for the first time he understood that Vito felt the same way he had and worse. The only thing that separated the guy talking from the guy crying was what they did. The coward and the hero feel the same emotions. They’re both human.

October 7, 2006

  • The True Meaning of Bob

    Jacked from sue_shi:

    A : You like to drink.
    B : You like people.
    C : You are really silly.
    D : You like to drink.
    E : Good kisser.
    F : You are dead sexy.
    G : You never let people tell you what to do.
    H : You have a very good personality and looks.
    I : You are great in bed
    J :P eople adore you.
    K :You’re wild and crazy.
    L : .Everyone loves you.
    M : Best kisser ever.
    N: You like to drink.
    O: Awesome kisser.
    P : You are popular with all types of people.
    Q : You are a hypocrite.
    R : You’re crazy.
    S : Easy to fall in love with.
    T : You’re loyal to those you love.
    U : You really like to chill.
    V : You are not judgemental.
    W : You are very broad minded.
    X : You never let people tell you what to do.
    Y : Best g/f, b/f anyone could ever ask for
    Z : Always ready.

    B : You like people.
    O: Awesome kisser.
    B : You like people.

    One out of three isn’t bad!

April 28, 2006

  • I recently moved, and in the new apartment, there’s a plastic drain thingy that collects hair as the shower water swirls down the drain. I must admit that this drain filter has been the biggest blow to my self-esteem since we had to line up by height in second grade, and I was second to last. (I can’t believe I still remember that.)

    The amount of hair that collects my shower drain filter every day astounds me. I have been aware that I have been losing hair for the last decade, but I could do without the daily reminder that God is giving me a natural mohawk by removing the hair to the left and right of my mohawk tuft.

    In related news, I am thinking about shaving my head. I previously had this idea and I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want my twin brother to preempt me. However, proving that nature and nurture together are an unbeatable combination, my twin brother shaved his head three days after I first hatched my secret plan to shave my head. So there’s no point in secrecy now.

    I have a client presentation next Thursday, so I’m not going to do anything drastic this week, but now I’m thinking that some action needs to be taken in the near future. I’ve already tried growing facial hair to distract people from looking at my receding hairline, but that was just too much work to maintain.

    I am now considering the following Bruce Willis options:

    1. Die Hard 3
    2. The Fifth Element
    3. Sin City
    4. Unbreakable

    diehard3bw06-02
    01b6

    Meanwhile, I will go stare at myself in the mirror and practice my Bruce Willis squint.

April 20, 2006

  • 11If you live in NYC and you don’t know why you’re sneezing, it’s probably because it’s an 11.7 out of 12 on the Pollen.com ratings system!

    Wow.