November 10, 2009

  • Update: I Bought A Gun

    No, not that kind of gun. This kind of gun:

    Yes, I know I’m hot and sweaty, but give me a break, I just worked out…

    So, yeah, I’ve been lifting weights twice a week since the beginning of July. I’ve only dropped about 5 pounds total, but it seems like I must have lost more fat than that because my muscles are coming in. My strength is up a lot:

    • dumbbell bicep curl is up from 17.5 pounds (three sets of ten reps) to 45 pounds
    • preacher curl from 17.5 to 60 pounds
    • lat pulldowns up from 50 to 160 pounds
    • dumbbell flat press from 10 to 50 pounds

    Initially, I started working out just my back and the glamor muscles (bis, tris, pecs), but after six weeks, I added shoulders (OK, that’s a glamor muscle too). To my credit, more recently, I started working out my legs (seated calf raises, leg press and leg extension). Less to my credit, I’ve done no ab workouts, since any progress there would be covered by a non-muscular biological substance (aka fat).

    I usually do 30 minutes of treadmill, but to lose the fat, I’ll need to start eating better…

February 20, 2009

  • Asian Girls Gone Wild

    I just saw this picture in the New York Times of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton posing with South Korean school girls. I focused on Hillary’s face, but really, I was scanning the crowd around her and thinking, “wow, that’s amazing that all those Korean girls are posing for a picture and none of them are making a peace sign!

    Then I saw the girl in the top right throwing her peace sign. Then I saw the girl in the left going nuts with TWO peace signs. And then I saw the short girl two rows behind Hillary standing on her tippy toes, arm oustretched, throwing HER peace sign. All you can see of her face is her eyes, but you know she must be smiling…

    At this point, I’m starting to think that Asian girls throw peace signs while posing for pictures at a funeral.

October 27, 2008

  • Dear People Named Bill

    Dear People Named Bill,

    Please don’t choose an email like william.lastname@isp.com, and then email me and sign your email Bill, because then I will never find your email again because I will be looking for bill.lastname@isp.com.

    Also, if everybody calls you Bill, make sure your “Display Name” is “Bill Lastname” not “William Lastname”. That’s just common courtesy, dude.

    Thanks!

    -Bob

    cc: Bobs with emails starting robert@, Joes with emails starting joseph@, Mikes with emails starting michael@, and all the rest of you freaks…

September 27, 2008

  • What Kind of Idiot Are You, LOL?

    I hate to break it to you, but if you use “LOL”, you are probably an idiot. It’s possible you are using LOL ironically, and you are oh-so-witty, but let’s face it, the odds favor the idiocy theory.

    In fact, I recently realized that I categorize people into LOL stereotypes based on how they express laughter or amusement online:

    • Haha – This is what I use, because everything else is annoying. You probably choose your words carefully and try not to unduly annoy society at large as a courtesy. You may be evil, but you’re a nice evil. If I was looking to make new friends, I might even consider you. (P.S. I am not looking to make new friends.)

    • Heh – I used this a few years ago, but then I realized it made me seem aloof. So now I think Heh people are either aloof, or are socially clueless and don’t understand that “heh” makes them seem aloof.

      Most people find you annoying, but they tolerate you because your personality is too bland to hate.

    • hahahahahahah – Uncontrolled laughter is funny. Typing “hahahahahah” to represent uncontrolled laughter requires a lot of control, so it doesn’t work for me. I probably find you annoying.

      Maybe you just have a lot of Asian friends, but you are probably Asian. Either way, I probably don’t like you.

    • ahahahahahahahaha – OK, starting an extended haha with an “a” should represent “uncontrolled laughter” better, so I should prefer it more. But that’s like saying that since I like ice cream, I would like steak better if it had ice cream on it. Actually, that sounds pretty tasty. However, the tastiness of ice cream steak doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like you.
    • LOL – I pity you for your low IQ.
    • ROFL - I pity you for your low IQ and the fact that you roll on the floor like a dog.
    • ROFLMAO – I pity you for your low IQ, the fact that you roll on the floor like a dog, and the fact that you no longer have an ass.
    • ^__^ – Any smiley with an underscore in it means you are definitely East Asian, with a 10% chance that you’ve
      watched too much Naruto and are trying hard to fit into some
      Japanophile subculture. I definitely dislike you. The more underscores
      you use in your smileys, the more likely that I actively hate you. If
      you use three underscores, e.g. ^___^, I would probably enjoy beating you with a
      bat in a dark alley, if I happened to walk by a dark alley carrying a
      bat. If you use more than three underscores in your smileys, , e.g. ^______^, I would
      build a dark alley and whittle a bat to punish you for your evil ways.

    Well, we’ve learned a lot in this post. We’ve learned about the ways idiots express themselves, and we’ve learned about how I have unresolved anger issues. Haha.

    What kind of idiot are you, LOL?

September 3, 2008

  • RE: “Please Consider The Environment Before Printing This Email”

    Memorandum
    TO: All You Evil People Out There
    FROM: Bob

    You know who you are. You’re the people who have an auto-sig on your email that says:

    please consider the
    environment before printing this e-mail
    .

    FYI, I hate you.

    Your auto-sig suggests that I’m constantly printing emails, but your magic reminder will dissuade me from killing trees even as my mouse cursor hovers over the Print button. Let’s face it, I print out one email for maybe every ten thousand I receive. I’ve read about these people who print out every email to read “offline”. These people also use fax machines. Like most people under the age of 100, I am not one of those people.

    Just to spite you, I’d like to print out every email you stupid people send me, but then I’d have to get up and go to the printer 50 times a day, and we all know that’s not going to happen. You dodged a bullet on that one.

    Also, have you ever considered the hard drive space that your stupid auto-sig takes up? I bet miners digging metal ore to make hard drives harm the environment way more than printing an email ever could. So you’re probably hurting the environment with your emails, you spotted owl murderer.

    Do I write you emails that say “please consider the fact that you are stupid before reading this e-mail”? Granted, that is probably a good idea, but somehow I’ve found the discipline to refrain. Please, return the favor and stop it already.

    Regards,
    Bob

    P.S. please consider the
    environment before printing this blog
    .

    P.P.S. See how annoying that is?!?!?!?

August 5, 2008

  • Cobra Terrorists About To Attack the Beijing Olympics?!

    I don’t need to remind you that Cobra is “a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.” But you may be unaware that Cobra is plotting a massive terrorist strike on the Beijing Olympics!

    You may scoff at this claim, but I have photographic evidence. This New York Times article has the deceptive title “U.S. Cyclists Arrive in Beijing Wearing Masks“. According to the duped journalist author of this article:

    [F]our track cyclists on the United States Olympic team stepped off their flight wearing masks over their mouths and noses. 
     
    They were the first athletes to be seen wearing masks or doing anything proactive to combat the effects of pollution.

    However, take a look at this side-by-side comparison of this so-called “U.S. cyclist” versus a member of the elite Cobra Terrorist Organization:

    ZOMG, we’re doomed! Let’s hope that G.I. Joe still fights for freedom where ever there’s trouble!

March 8, 2008

  • Updates

    1. Amazingly, last night’s “hack chunks of my hair with blunt scissors to force myself to get my hair cut” strategy actually worked! This afternoon, after looking in the mirror, I realized I had to do something, so I went to Jean Louis David and got my hair cut. For the record, I did not go to Jean Louis David because I was fooled by the faux French name, it’s just the hair place that’s closest to my apartment…

      There was a bit of an awkward moment when the hairdresser asked me if I wanted to keep the same hair “shape”, and I had to explain that I did want my hair to be the same shape, except where I had slashed off chunks of hair. She was horrified and confused by this. This awkward conversation went on for a few minutes, before I realized that faux French hair girl spoke neither French nor English, and she was not really horrified, just confused by the use of a language that wasn’t Spanish. Then I said “medium, please”. She said “OK, medium?” I said, “yes, please”.

      The hair cut turned out great, which is to say, utterly unremarkable and boring.

    2. The infection in my left ear has cleared up, and I didn’t even have to van Gogh it off! It took about a week to stop hurting, and it made me hear a high-pitched buzz for a few days. I read somewhere that when you hear a high-pitched buzz, it means your hearing cells are dying. So maybe I’m going deaf?

      I’d also like to offer a special thanks to everybody who told me to cut off my ear while I was wracked by pain. I just hope that one day I can be there for you like you were there for me…

  • Crossing the Rubicon

    About ten minutes ago, I found a pair of scissors and lopped off a few inches of hair. My logic was that I needed a haircut – and this would force me to go get a haircut by Monday morning.

    Knowing me, I won’t motivate to get my hair cut by then. Since I don’t have a buzzer, I predict I will end up shaving my head at 4 AM on Sunday night.

    I am an idiot.

February 28, 2008

  • Dear Left Ear

    Dear Left Ear,

    Why have you betrayed me? I take good care of you, but ever since that bath five years ago, you keep on getting infected. I admit that this last time, you had me fooled. I didn’t understand why the left lymph node in my neck had swollen. You hid behind the pain of that swollen node, and I didn’t even realize that you were infected…

    I could only sleep by taking the two remaining codeines I had from when I got my right wisdom teeth out. And now those codeines are gone! I even thought my left wisdom teeth might be infected, you wily trickster. But now I know that it was you all along.

    I can’t believe you have betrayed me so. I have followed all the rules: I take showers and buy Q-tips in bulk. And yet, you regularly betray me with these ear infections.

    And so, I have an ultimatum. I’m not a man to make threats, but if you don’t want to be van Gogh’ed, you better get healthy in the next day or three.

    Sincerely,
    The Rest of My Body

January 31, 2008

  • Steve Martin is a Wild and Crazy Guy

    I just read this article by Steve Martin about his career as a comedian that made me realize that how original his comedy was.

    What if there were no punch lines? What if there were no indicators?
    What if I created tension and never released it? What if I headed for a
    climax, but all I delivered was an anticlimax? What would the audience
    do with all that tension? Theoretically, it would have to come out
    sometime. But if I kept denying them the formality of a punch line, the
    audience would eventually pick their own place to laugh, essentially
    out of desperation. This type of laugh seemed stronger to me, as they
    would be laughing at something they chose, rather than being told exactly when to laugh.

    To test my idea, I went onstage and began: “I’d like to open up with
    sort of a ‘funny comedy bit.’ This has really been a big one for
    me…it’s the one that put me where I am today. I’m sure most of you
    will recognize the title when I mention it; it’s the “Nose on
    Microphone” routine [pause for imagined applause]. And it’s always
    funny, no matter how many times you see it.”

    I leaned in and placed my nose on the mike for a few long seconds.
    Then I stopped and took several bows, saying, “Thank you very much.”
    “That’s it?” they thought. Yes, that was it. The laugh came not then,
    but only after they realized I had already moved on to the next bit.

    It’s pretty amazing how his starting premise was different than every other comedian working during that time…